saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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