At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
