new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
