Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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