The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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