call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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