I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
