Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
