I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
