I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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