If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
