His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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