you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
