I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
