one might say we're banned from that church
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
