he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
