i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
