Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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