Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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