I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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