Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
