you traded sex for a burrito?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
