She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
