Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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