Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
