I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
