I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
