You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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