"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
