I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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