I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't deserve a penis
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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