it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
