she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
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Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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