cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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