I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
