Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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