Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
