my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
