4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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