Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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