you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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