Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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