Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
