Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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