I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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