im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my phone needs a breathalizer
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
