i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
