Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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