If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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