He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I have feelings that need drinking.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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