So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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