it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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