i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
