I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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