I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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