My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
