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Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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