I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
