I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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