the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
